Dont Worry, Love Ko Parin Kayo. :)

Matagal ng may ikinukubling pagkamuhi ang kailaliman ng aking emosyon. Hindi ko ito masabi-sabi sa inyo dahil sa kahihiyan. Pero ngayong malaya na ako sa gapos ng utang na loob, gusto kong imudmod sa inyong pagmumukha ang inis ko.

“NAIINIS AKO SA INYO.”

Ilang beses niyo na akong tinake advantage. Sawang-sawa na ako sa hindi ko pag-imik, sa pagiging isang martir. Panahon na para ako’y lumaban. Hindi porke’t mas mayaman kayo eh minamaliit niyo na lang ako. HOY, may karapatan din ako sa mundong ito, hindi lang kayo.

Ewan ko nga ba kung bakit ko hinayaan na itali niyo ang boses ko. Sadyang napakataas ang angas niyo. Ang tingin niyo sa lahat ng nasa paligid niyo eh susunod sa sasabihin niyo. TUTOL ang puso ko sa paggawa ng gusto niyong mangyari. Magaling naman kayo sa tingin ko ha pero sadyang hindi niyo lang kinokonsider ang pagsisiwalang kibo ko para hindi niyo maranas ang maargabyado. SELFISH much! Sa totoo lang, kasalanan niyo naman talaga ah, pero sinsama niyo parin ako. TAMA na.

Gusto ko lang ilabas ang sakit na aking naramdaman noong kinurot ninyo ang aking pasensiya at binahiran ng kalapastanganan. Huwag kayong mag-alala kasi bukas wala na naman ito, at baka bukas kahit laya na ako eh susunod na naman ako sa inyo. JUST FOR ONCE, gusto ko lang umimik. Pagbigyan niyo na ako. At pwede maging SENSITIVE naman kayo minsan, napaka INSENSATE niyo eh. Hindi ko obligasyon ang sinasabi ninyo, sana naman simulan niyo nang alamin kung ano nga ba ang talagang makabuluhan. MAGALING nga kayo diba?

PS. LOVE ko parin kayo. :) nainis lang talaga ako sa ginawa niyong yun sa akin.

Sigaw ng Kabataan, Para sa Kalikasan.

The nostalgia will never ease, the memories will stay fresh and, in no way I will forget how my life was changed in the beautiful place of Gentle People.

It’s been year ago since the day I attended the Dumaguete National Youth for Environment Summer Camp. At first, I had a tough scenario pleasing my mom to give my sanction on attending this seminar. I think I gave my best plea, so, Hello DUMAGUETE. :D

Sunday night was our departure time for Manila. It was 5 am when we arrived there. Every one of us was so excited to get in the plane, leave manila, and taste what Dumaguete can give. Waiting in the departure area is the most tedious manner to slay time. We waited for 6 hours for our flight. It was 4 pm when we were officially at Dumaguete. In the airport, there were these tricycle (traysikol) drivers who will you think graduates of BS Commerce, Majoring in Marketing. It is for the reason that they will never give up their marketing plan until you ride on their tricycles. Since we were late, we were one of the groups who didn't have a room to stay. It’s already 11pm, and we were still waiting in the corridor for the decision of DepEd. The good thing is we had superb coaches for they applied their skills in drama and theater arts that’s why we had the first 6 rooms quickly after DepEd issued it. So there, we stayed in a lodging house located near Silliman University and in front of National Bookstore. Six rooms for 20 delegates. My roommates were Ian and Joaz. It was a long day that’s why we anticipated slumber as long as we cleaned ourselves.

And that ends Day O.

*To make this post not too long, I’ll make other entries on what happened the following days.

Night Terrors

Anxious. Vexed. Apprehensive.

These are the words that best describe my feelings. My outlook on how will tomorrow look like is emptied with certainty. It’s either admiration or denunciation.

I don’t know where I got my valor to hurl that epistle to her. Perhaps my limbic system made me grasp that it’s time for her to know. And also to let go off the things that keep on bothering me. Honestly, I draw a smile on my face, whenever I imagine scenarios packed with optimism. However, veracity will always be a nightmare for me.

In the middle of full sanguinity, it will wake me up over stressing that she’s contented with him and will never be a dream comes true for me.

If only hallucinating all night can restore me, I’ll do it. But it’s not. It’s you who I need to give me a good night sleep.

Acceptance

The feeling of being accepted is the best gift for one’s ego.

Before entering college, I was given a hard time traversing the path I would like to take. I had nights shed on tears and nursing myself out of pain. There are lots of uncertainties to what direction my life would lead to. Twinge would attack my heart if ever there are possibilities that would destroy my dream. It had been months since I fought my scheme for my future. And yes after weeks of trials and errors, I was able to taste the distinct succulent taste of victory. I was given the chance to start the journey of my choice.

But I think they’re not still geared up to embrace what I would like to be in the future. From time to time, I get vulnerable thinking that they’re not proud of me. I get wounds on what comes out of their mouth that daunts me to give up the corridors I’m walking to. I thought that triumph came to me already, but I was wrong. Now, I don’t know where my life would lead to. They poured uncertainties in my precious cup of life. I hope I will be able to withstand this, to endure all the discouragements and to utilize this as my primary motivation. I know God will always be there to give me strength and enlightenment. I anticipate the time where giving up will never be a choice. Mom and dad, I hope that time will come before long.

Totoy Much

Pero si totoy ‘di sumuko...

Alas singko na nang umaga pero I don’t know what energy provoked me to blog that midnight. That was five hours ago sa mahaba at nakakamiss na usapan namin ng maituturing kong bestfriend. Namiss ko siya, sobra. Maraming bagay na naman ang nasabi ko sa kanya that made my emotion heat up. Marahil di niya ito napansin sapagkat puro tawa lang ako. I thought laugh will make happiness prevail in my heart from the nightmare of my past where it reached the point that i have to cry and ease the pain alone.

Na-open ko sa kaniya yung tungkol sa mga ex lovers niya and how they were acting right now. Then suddenly the Junior scrapbook topic was opened. One girl came to my mind, the girl who invaded my whole being for years. She was the girl who made those fairy tales came into real life. I fell in love with her. Then suddenly it came to a point where I have to beg for her love. Nakaya kong mag-tiis at patuloy sa pag beg sa love niya hanggang sa dumating sa punto na kung saan nasabi ko sa sarili ko na “sobrang sakit na”. Hindi ko ito ininda kasi mahal na mahal ko na siya that time. Lahat na ata ginawa ko para lang pansinin niya ako.

I attempted to move on. I struggled to cross the border line of loving and forgetting. But I had the hard time of accepting that I have to let go. FIRST LOVE nga naman oh. Parang kapag pinakawalan mo siya wala nang susunod. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na ihate siya. I tried to keep her out of my mind. Pero lahat ng pagod ko nabalewala the time na nakasabay ko siya sa jeep. Umupo ba naman sa harapan ko. Tumibok naman ang gag*ng puso at sinabayan pa ng panlalamig ng mga palad. Ninerbyos at parang nawala sa sarili. Hindi makakilos, hindi makasalita, pokerfaced. Then I realized that I just can’t un-love her and that’s how reality bites.

Pero si totoy ‘di sumuko...

...Siguro dahil sawa na rin siya sa masaklap niyang First Love

I isolated myself from her. I know that it was for my own good. Friends were there naman na umalalay sakin. Hanggang sa natutunan kong mahalin ang salitang MOVE ON.

MOVE ON. That’s the best thing i did in order to survive from cupid’s mismatched arrows. From the very start she was never mine naman eh. So apparently there was no predicament on the process how I forgot her.Since, I managed to live my life naman to the fullest the day before I was attached to her. I made myself discover how to taste freedom from my self-made- martyrdom that I suffered for almost 5 years.

I deserve also to be loved back not just loving so much.